On learning to meet my need to write

Writing is not my main gig. I wish it were. I’m working on that. But right now, it is not.

That means that I have to balance my incredible need to write (yes it is a need) with everything else in my life. I am sure that many of you can relate.

I have very little time to devote solely to my writing. I cannot disappear into my office for 4-8 hours a day and create beautiful words. I have other responsibilities. So, I keep a notebook in my pocket, right next to my mobile phone. I use both to make notes and write down ideas. I have slips of paper scattered all over my house, along with about 24 larger notebooks that have notes from different projects I am working on, or podcasts I am listening to, or masterclasses I am taking. My computer has folders and folders of similar collections of thoughts. I have two different office spaces that I use, depending on which sort of project I am working on. Oh yeah, and then there is my bedside bookshelf (a table is not sufficient) for everything I work on when I am lying there, not falling asleep. There are 6 million ideas in my head at any given time. Literally anything can spark an idea for an erotic scene. It is both amazingly invigorating and painful. Some days my brain feels like a firehose with a too-small nozzle.

I want those 4-8 hours a day, to be able to live inside my head and put that world down on paper.

I once said to a friend that I didn’t think I was selfish enough to be a writer.

I have spent so much of my life caring for others. I chose that path and I have loved doing it, but it has meant that this part of my life has been either ignored or tossed aside or put on hold.

I have decided that I want to be selfish.

I have things to say. I want to put them out there.

So I stay up late. I write when the world is dark and everything is quiet. This is not a bad time to do it, considering my subject matter. I also use platforms like Twitter. They have been a lifeline, keeping me producing, even if it is in 1-3 sentence bursts. They also help me to connect to other writers…and readers. The fact that anyone likes anything I write keeps me going more than anything else, because yes, I do write for me, but ultimately, I write for you. I check my calendar to mark the passing of time and get perspective (one does not build a career in a mater of months…it takes time). And, I constantly remind myself that my creativity is as important as anything else in my world.

So here we are…another week has passed and I have managed to produce something, even if it is small. My piles of notes have increased this week, but some have found discernable shape, moving me forward on my WIP. I have looked at my long-term goals and my short-term accomplishments. Do I want more? Yes! Did I learn to be selfish and insist on taking some of that this week? Also yes!